Many years (ok, decades) ago, I was preparing for this transition myself.  I kept my misgivings about it hidden away because everyone else around me seemed so excited about it and the adults around me kept telling me how great a time I was going to have in college.  Finally, at a party welcoming home several friends from their first year of college, I confided to one of them that I was scared.  Her response was simple and powerful, “You’re supposed to be.”  And with those four words, much of my fear evaporated.

How can you help your high school graduate prepare for the transition to college?  For a lot of parents the answer involves several shopping sprees and a lot of packing.  But there’s an emotional preparation that could be helped along by some attuned, wise counsel from us parents as well.  A reality-based emotional preparation for this transition can help pave a smoother path for our kids and for us parents, as well!  Believe me, few things are more miserable for a parent than having a miserable child.

Here are my talking points for all you parents out there wanting to open up a conversation with your college-bound child.

1.  Expect some fear and ask about it as if it’s as natural as asking about their excitement.  I cringe whenever I hear someone say “College is going to be the best part of your life!”  That’s a tall order to live up to and comments like that don’t leave any room for someone to express misgivings.  That kind of attitude also puts a lot more pressure on a kid who goes to school and ISN’T having the time of their lives so they wonder what’s wrong with them.  Leaving room for negative experiences – emotional, social, and academic helps build resiliency in your child. If they expect only good experiences, they will be blindsided by the not so good ones.  It’s not a realistic expectation to set up for anyone, but especially for someone about to embark on such a big change in their lives.  Be accepting of your child’s mixed feelings about transitioning to college

2.  Expect the work to be harder and more demanding.   This is often a shocking and difficult reality for students, whether they found high school easy or not.  In fact, this is often a harder transition for the kids who never had to work hard (and never expected to) than for the kids who always had to work hard and expect that to continue.  Again, time management is key and many parents manage their kids’ time in high school by nagging and prodding (I plead guilty!).  In college our kids need to rely on themselves to get through assignments and exams.  We parents are (and should stay!) out of the loop.  This is on them now and a conversation acknowledging that helps them realize and accept it as well.

3.  Along with that, discuss their need to self-advocate. In compulsory education, parents can get updates on their kids’ progress through websites, email, and phone calls on any day they want.  We get progress reports on a quarterly basis and parents are expected to be involved, to nag, to call their children in sick, etc.  College professors expect their students to stay on top of their own responsibilities including attending class, turning in assignments and doing so on time, and speaking up if they are struggling.  This is really difficult for a shy or intimidated student or one worried about appearances or status.  This also gets difficult if a student becomes ill and falls behind.  The reality is that the students need to speak for themselves which requires a level of maturity that not every college freshman has yet.  As parents we can help them develop this by letting them know that this might be hard but it’s necessary and expected of them in college.

4.  The social transition is often a bumpy ride.  Typically, colleges have freshman come several days before the rest of the students in order to give them time to acclimate and meet other freshmen.  Bonds are formed quickly and are often more about going through this transition with a buddy or two than they are about true friendship based on similar interests, values, or experiences,  Although this is a really important step in the process of settling in at college, the friends kids make that first week don’t always last through the first semester.  Luckily, there are many ways to meet people in college, but kids who expect to rely on falling into those relationships may be disappointed.  And lonely.  Talk to your child about having realistic expectations with respect to friendships.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with holding onto others going through those first few weeks and some of those relationships will stick.  But there are other venues out there for meeting people.  Encourage your student to explore them regardless of the level of success they have making friends that first week.

5.  Drugs and alcohol are more readily available at college.  I suggest talking to your kids about what kind of relationship they want to have with them.  At this point, kids know about alcohol poisoning and overdosing and in college whatever influence parents’ presence might have had is absent.  This is a huge leap of faith for many parents and we are relying on our kids’ good sense to overcome their desire to fit in.  This is not an easy task for any of us, nor are there easy answers.  But I believe the conversation is important.

6.  Living in close quarters with someone else is hard.  Roommates are subjected to each others habits – good and bad-, schedules, friends, idiosyncrasies, etc.  Being roommates with a friend from home is also no guarantee of success in a living situation.  In fact, that’s sometimes worse.  We don’t want our kids venturing off to college expecting a horrible roommate experience, but we do want them to know that figuring out the delicate balance of living well with someone else can be challenging.

7.  Convey confidence.  I know this isn’t really a talking point, per se but it’s important that parents convey confidence in their kids’ ability to figure things out and ask for guidance to do so when necessary.  Conveying that confidence not only implies that they already have the tools to confront difficulties, it also normalizes the fact that challenges will arise.

Generally speaking, the less we expect things in life to go a certain way, the better prepared we are to handle whatever way life goes.  This is true for all ages but our expectations can get the better of us based on the messages we get from those around us or the excitement and anxiety we feel facing a big transition –  like leaving for college.