This is such a good question and one that requires examining on a case-by-case basis.  This is also something that seems to come up often with all of my clients – be they male or female, young or old.   I also encounter the issue among those in my personal life fairly frequently.  Since I’m a big proponent of having healthy boundaries in relationships it’s a question I take seriously but it’s certainly not black and white.  Are you happy taking care of others or are you starting to feel resentful?  Are you able to meet your own needs in the  midst of helping others along or are you getting lost in the shuffle?

One of the common criteria of being a mammalian species on this planet is caring for the young.  They need sustenance, guidance, and security.  Right off the bat, choosing to have and raise a child means we are accepting responsibility for the care and well-being of that offspring.  But eventually our children become capable of taking over the responsibility of taking care of themselves.  At some point, their choices – good and bad – are their own to make, just as ours are.  So where is that magic transition point?

It depends.

Of course our kids with special needs need us longer term.  So, for the purposes of this blog, I’m not really addressing those particular kids.  Sometimes we all hit a crisis point in our lives and the extra TLC from parents or friends is a temporary, appreciated necessity as well. And help that is happily given is not a problem for the giver.

So I guess what I’m focused on today is just normal, non-crisis, non-young-child-parenting, modus operandi in our relationship styles with friends, spouses, parents, and children.  Just the basic relationship stuff here.

We definitely can care about others, and generous, loving, and kind, without feeling the necessity of TAKING CARE of them.  We have fond or loving feelings toward a lot of people – teachers, friends, children – our own or other people’s – .  Well, you know.  Think about all those you care about and/or love.  I hope you have a long list.

Then consider, am I constantly putting everyone else’s needs before mine? Am I taking care of myself as well as I’m taking care of others?

Here are some things I ask my clients to consider when contemplating whether they are doing too much for others:  at what point have you contorted yourself in order to make that happen?  At what point have you put your own best interests on the back burner (or even taken it completely out of the kitchen!) in order to accommodate someone else’s needs?  To what extent are your own needs/wishes/goals being compromised in order for you to do so? Is the person you are taking care of capable of taking care of themselves? How do you feel about what you are doing?

If you’ve extended yourself in a way that feels good to you, if it’s not a problem for you, then it’s not a problem for anyone.  A lot of joy can come from doing for others.  Sometimes going out of your way for a friend is something you are happy to do and may even be reciprocated. But if you find resentment creeping in to every offer you make or follow through on or feel like the expectations of others are becoming a burden to you, it may be time to make some changes.

Often just contemplating some of the above questions help people stem the tide of what I sometimes call an over-developed sense of responsibility.  But that is often a character trait that has been years in the making and began as a very necessary way of being.  Responding to others in a different way takes much care and practice.  Again, it’s not black and white.  Maybe some things, situations, or people require a more giving response all or some of the time.  But perhaps the automatic response of taking care of everyone isn’t really all that necessary of helpful to you or them!

If you find yourself starting to wonder whether you are working too hard to be sure everyone else is ok and want to explore that, please feel free to give me a call.  Like I said, there are no easy answers on this one but I’m happy to help work through those questions with you.

Also, there is a 12-step program called Co-Dependents Anonymous which is fabulous for those of us who are habitual helpers.  Here is a link to their home page:

Codependency information