Working with teens all the time, and having raised a couple of them along the way, I’m acutely aware of the pressure that builds at this time of year.  Many kids are anxiously awaiting replies from schools and feeling the burden of having to base their entire future on one decision.  I’m not saying that’s what is really happening to them but to teens, it can feel that way. It’s a nail-biter for most while they wonder if they will get into their first, second, third choices or if they will get in anywhere at all.  I can’t think of a single high school senior  whom I know who hasn’t, with relief, declared “Well, at least I know I’m going to college!” after that first acceptance comes in.

Meanwhile, other kids are quietly planning to attend junior college or start working full time, dodging the pressure cooker of the college admission competition but also being constantly exposed to it in their peer group’s obsession with the process.  Believe it or not, not all high school seniors are college- bound.  Last fall I interviewed a young man whose family circumstances were going to limit his ability to attend college.  His feelings about it were quite mixed.  On the one hand, he could  maintain his sanity and watch from the sidelines as all his friends went bonkers trying to keep up with school and college admission applications.  On the other hand, he knew that this spring kids would be racing up and down the halls of her school shouting out their acceptances at the top of their lungs and excitedly planning to leave the nest but that he wouldn’t be a part of that.  I pointed out to him that plenty of kids go the community college route.  They just aren’t shouting in the streets about it.  Nonetheless, it’s a darn good option and nothing to be ashamed of at all!

Now, in late March, for those planning to go to college, it’s a waiting game.  Some colleges have sent out their initial acceptances but many haven’t.  Parents and students are waiting with bated breath, Facebook posts are loading up with announcements and inquiries and, as I saw today, assumptions of college acceptances.  Kids who are still waiting for their preferred choices are hanging on the edge of their seats and their patience.  More than one family is walking on eggshells around the expectant student.  It’s intense!

Once final word comes in, kids still need to decide which college to attend.  Often there are last minute flights across the country for a last, or sometimes first, look at the schools of possibility.  The choice isn’t always clear to the student or supported by the parent(s), adding multiple layers of stress on the high schooler.  Having mixed messages from parents about affordability or desirability of the schools compounds that stress as well.

How can you help?  I’m so glad you asked! For those not planning to go away to college, it can be very uncomfortable to have to discuss that with someone who is assuming that they are.   For others,  the only thing more stressful than having to make a stressful decision is people asking or talking to them about it.  There are several options here.  One is to leave the question unasked altogether.  Another is to privately ask the parents about what their child’s next year is looking like.   A sensitive  inquiry might be: “So what are your plans after graduation?”  That question leaves the student in the position of being able to answer as they choose.

Some kids are eager and willing to talk about their future plans, whether that’s college, community college, a gap year, or a job.  I’d gamble and say most kids would like a chance to talk about something else for a change, an opportunity to take the focus off the thing they are obsessing over.  It’s personal choice, however.  And probably that choice varies by the minute and depends upon who’s suggesting that topic of conversation.  Before you launch into your list of questions, I suggest asking.

If your child is just starting his high school career or college search, I enjoy the following website.  Also, Liz Rehfeld, the owner of Bound4College, speaks throughout the Bay Area and throughout the year about preparing for this process.

www.bound4college.com 

This isn’t always an easy year for students or their parents as they anticipate the transition out of high school.  If you’re child is a high school senior, you have my support and  I urge you to remember to breathe!