This week I’ve been really aware of the end of high school dynamics parents of seniors go through and thought I’d tell you about four issues I see every single year in my private and professional life.  Let me remind you, I was recently the parent of a high school senior myself.  I’m pretty sure I’ve displayed every single one of these qualities!

1.  “Suddenly my parents are a lot more demanding and have saddled me with a bunch of new expectations!”  Yep, we parents sometimes do that.  In my experience I’ve found it to be a reflection of the parents’ difficulty letting go of their “child”.  Anticipating a big change and especially a big separation (to college or jobs or travels) can leave a parent feeling left behind or not quite finished in their parenting, resulting in making more demands of their student to keep them a bit more tied to hearth and home (and parent!).

2.  “I have no idea why but all the sudden my folks are a lot more restrictive!!  I’m a senior!!!”  See above.  But this also coincides with the parties and social opportunities that start to increase for seniors after AP exams  and final projects are done.  Suddenly the kid that’s been hanging out at home, nose to grindstone, is heading off to who knows where with who knows whom.  They feel a little taste of the freedom that is coming their way with the motor board and they are ready to make a break for it.  This can be a tough transition for parents who aren’t sure they or their child is ready to be quite so wild and free.  Honestly, some kids are more ready to handle that than others.  Same goes for parents.  In their anxiety to maintain some understanding and control over this transition, a lot of parents pull in the reins.

3.  “My parents and I keep arguing!”  See #1 and #2.  Folks, transitions are hard for us all.  I’ve been fascinated with relationship dynamics while anticipating transition since I was a high school senior and went through this from the other side.   It’s hard to let go.  There  are a lot of mixed feelings.  Also, it’s really, really hard for us parents to see our children as the adults they consider themselves to be. My observation is that this is often hardest with the first to leave and the last to leave the nest.  Woe to the two-child family parents!

4.  “My parent (usually it’s the mom) keeps telling me (or posting on Facebook) how much she’s going to miss me!”  Believe it or not, this is both wonderful and really hard for our teens to know.  Sometimes our kids feel responsible for putting us through something that we convey will hurt us and sometimes knowing that they will be missed helps them feel loved, important, and connected.

I bet you’re wondering what kind of advice I have for you now.  I really think it boils down to three points:

1.  Know who/how your kid is and be sure your demands and expectations are a reflection of where they are and not where you are.

2.  This is the hardest and most important of all.  If all goes as planned and we’ve been successful as parents, our kids leave.  They fledge.  All these 18, 19, 20, 25 years we’ve prepared our children to strike out and explore the world and now it’s our job as parents to let them.

3.  Parents, this is not an easy transition.  It’s hard to let go, it’s hard to think of ourselves as old enough to have a child that is old enough to leave, we understand that the household dynamics are about to be forever altered, as is our relationship with our son or daughter.  They are about to embark on a phase of their lives where we have very little influence over or knowledge about what they are doing and with whom.  It can be the start of our own identity crisis or, worse, depression.  Please take it easy on yourself and get support.  Their journey is our blessing but that doesn’t make this phase of our own path any easier!

Good luck!