Whenever someone tells me to treat myself because I deserve it, I always have to pause and consider whether that’s true.  Do I deserve it?  Why do I deserve it?  How do they know if I deserve it?  What have I done to merit this reward?  Honestly, if I really want something, I will do what it takes to pursue it without much encouragement but the word “deserve” doesn’t really fit into my vocabulary. I just don’t think that way – which may be why when someone else urges me to reward myself because I “deserve” it, it brings me up short.

On the other hand, what am I entitled to?  What are you entitled to?  How do you tell the difference between being deserving and being entitled?  It can be a thin line and create some pretty confusing discussions.  I see people in the world who don’t stop one second to consider whether they are truly entitled to what they take and others who never feel entitled or deserving of anything good at all!  The truth must lie somewhere in between!

Just for fun, I googled Webster for a definition of entitled.  Here is the link:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/entitlement

Often, folks equate entitlement to narcism.  Sometimes that shoe fits but it’s not one size fits all!  As human beings, we ARE entitled to certain rights even though not all cultures agree with that and being entitled to something doesn’t mean you will get it.  As customers, we ARE entitled to the goods or services we pay for.  Being born entitles you to good parenting – although it doesn’t guarantee it, children in this country are entitled to a free education through high school.  In other countries, one is entitled to free college and post graduate education.  These and similar things are written into laws and moral codes in various societies.

Sometimes deserving and being entitled to something are close enough to be practically the same thing.  For example, if I pay for a good or service, I feel entitled to it AND deserving of it.  Generally speaking, deserving is more about merit and based on action or personal qualities.  Here’s what Webster says:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/deserving

My clients often try to distance themselves from a sense of entitlement for fear that it reflects arrogance or self-centeredness but all of us have things to which we are entitled.  And all of us have worked towards rewards which we deserve, even if we don’t think we do.  I’ve worked with a lot of teens who participate in local plays and the do/don’t deserve, am/not entitled conversations flow fast and furious in those meetings.  I’ve also known people of all ages who struggle with both sides of the deserving/entitled spectrum.  Neither extreme is realistic for any of us!  Anxiety, depression, low or elevated self-esteem all influence how we see ourselves in these questions.  The best part of those questions, however, is having the awareness of them to ask them in the first place! Just accepting what you’re handed without ever wondering about it, questioning it, awakening to those experiences in others less and more fortunate than you all lead to increasing the polarity on either side.

I don’t have many answers here.  Just food for thought.  I was influenced and inspired by a particular episode of This American Life.  Please feel free to let me know your experiences and thoughts on this topic.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/550/three-miles